Rutherford Revised (254)

254.  To his Reverend Brother, Mr Robert Blair   From Aberdeen Sep 9 1637

(See letter 89)

Reverend and dear Brother, - I am much affected by he reason you give for not writing and gives me a blow when such a one as you conceive an opinion of me or of anything in me. he truth is, when I come home to myself, oh, what a poverty do I find, and how worthless is my supposes stock, and how little I have! He to whom I am as crystal, and who sees through me, and recognises the least speck that is in me, knows that I speak what I think and am convinced of: but men put me trough a large and wide sieve. My very dear brother, the room of the least of all the saints is too great for the like of me. But lest this should seem a way to fetch home reputaion, I speak no more of it. It is my worth to be Christ's ransomed sinner and sick one. His relation to me is that I am sick and He is the Docor I need. Alas, how often I play fas and loose with Christ! He binds, I loose, He builds, I throw down, He trims up a salvation for me and I spoil it; I am thrown out with Christ, and He agrees with me again twenty times a day.; I forfeit my kingdom and my inheritance, I lose what I had, but Christ is at my back, and following on he stop and take up what falls fro m me.If I was in heaven and had the crown on my head, if free will was my teacher, I would lose heaven. Seeing I lose myself, what wonder I should let go and lose Jesus my Lord? Oh, well to me forever more that I have broken my credit with Chrint, and cannot by law borrow from Him at all on my worthless and useless bond of faith! For my faith and reputation with Christ is I am a creature in whom God will not put any trust. I was and am bewildered with temptations, and wanted a guide to heaven. Oh what have I to say of that excellent, surpassing, and supereminent thing they call the grace of God, the way of free redemption in Christ! And when poor, poor I, dead in law, was sold, chained and imprisoned in justice's guard rom, which is hell and damnation; when I, a wretched one came upon noble Jesus, eternally kind Jesus,  tenderheared Jesus (no,where he came upon me first, and knew me), I found that he refused to take a price or anything like wages, of angels or seraphim or any of His creatures. And therefore, I would praise Him for this, that the whole army of the redeemed ones sit rent free in heaven. Our holding is better than a nominal rent we are all freeholders. And seeing that our eternal ground rent is only thanks woeful me that I have spilled thanks, lame and broken, and miscarried praises to give Him. And so my silver is not good and current with Christ, if it was not that free merits have stamped it, and washed it and me both! And for my silence, I see somewhat better through it now. If my high and lofty One, my princely and royal Master, says, 'Hold, hold your peace. I lay chains on you, you must not speak.' I would be glad to be content, and let my fire be smothered under ashes, without light or flame! I cannot help it. I take laws from my Lord but give none.
   As for your journey to F., you do well to follow it. The camp is Christ's ordinary bed. A carried bed is kind to the Beloved, down in this lower house. It may be (and who knows) our Lord has some centurions to whom you are sent. As your angry mother denies you lodging and house room with her, Christ's call to unknown faces must be you second wind. seeing you cannot have a first. Oh that our Lord would water again with a new visit this withered and dry hill of our widow, Mont Zion.
   My dear brother, I shell be comfoted if you speak my name o our Well-beloved.Wherever you are I am mindful of you. Oh that the Lord would yet make the light of the moon in Scotland, as  the light of the sun sevenfold brighter. For myself, I have as yet received no answer as where to go. I wait on. Oh that Jesus had my love! Let things fall out as they may, I have more to do with Christ, Yet I would be glad if we were nearer.
   Now the great Shepherd of the sheep, the very God of peace, establish and confirm you to the day of His coming. 
   Yours, in his lovely and sweet Lord Jesus,  S.R.