Thursday, September 15, 2011

Observations in the third month of my diary of a eight month down 11 January to 12 February

11/1 Sleeping pattern still disturbed by anxiety but awoke in good spirits for the first time in over two months. But again down with lethargy all day. Considering will I reduce my hours or retire in May when 65.?

12/1 Really bad day at work with anxiety and no peace. Questioning my own professional competence. Housegroup encouraging with a new family. I need to trust the promises that the peace of God will keep my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
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13/1 Using phi4:7 to fend off anxiety. I have in the past used Scripture memorisation to keep an otherwise anxious mind occupied. I would spend half an hour of my lunchtime walking round the park learning memory verses. However, this down is such i have no desire for the walking, merely wanting to sleep at lunchtime.

14/1 Busy at work and keeping going despite anxiety and lethargy. One merely does what one has to and no more. So I avoid even emails.

15/1 Late up Tacked backlog of correspondence before visiting old friends who on hearing of my depression were keen to pray which was an encouragement.

16/1 A better day at church with less anxiety but not encouraged to be told my tambourine continues to be banned as it is not appreciated. Is there a secret Pentecostal in me rebelling against my Presbyterian environment?

17/1 Terrible tiredness all the time.

18/1 Not so tired but still down. Enquired from professional HR people as the the legal position with new legislation on retire,emt. I cannot be forced to retire at 65 but part time work is unclear.

19/1 GP put me on citalopram 40mg and offered a sick note which I declined saying I needed to work through the depression, not to be disabled by it.

20/1 Work a big battle with depression. Lethargic and miserable. Contacted pharmacist counselling helpline. The 'listening pharmacist' service advises I talk to my boss about the problem. I have no contact with him except when one or the other of us has a problem. He is merely the director I link with for the board.

21/1 My staff say I should think carefully before approaching the boss. They do not want me to retire.

22/1 The weekends are no better than work days as with the latter there are tasks i must do and at the weekend I can procrastinate and be idle. But did some emails and sermon preparation on Job, a man with whom I can identify. At least I have a wife who is a help.

23/1Day of stupid irrational anxiety. Not keeping to 'sufficient to the day" as I know I should but the worries seem to have a life of their own beyond rational command. Sermon went well in the evening.At least in the Immigration removal centre I can have a good bang of the tambourine.

24/1 Bad day with negative feelings. One rises with no joy and try to take delight in doing the simplest tasks in the home before work The journey is a time of anxiety about the day ahead and so it goes on until the journey to home, food and rest. Sleep is the happy time.

25/1 One of my GP colleagues encouraged me to resume walking the park at lunchtime. I did and felt some better for it but I am not as fit as last year.

26/1 Awoke tired from the walking. Struggled in the morning. Shorter lunchtime walk. My assistant insisted I do it,

27/1 Bad start and surprisingly I did better after tackling an audit forced on me. It is a stupidly unrealistic one on lithium patients. In the real world there is not the time for such box ticking. I hate the whole mentality of pharmacy supervision which does not trust professionals to behave responsibly without nit picking supervision by jobsworths.

28/1 A better day from the start and a good chat with one of the directors who is very sympathetic and supportive.

29/1 Weekends are worse than work. Why down from the start. Struggled to arrange vehicle insurance.

30/1 Down start to Sunday. Not relieved by morning service. I go with prayerful desire for blessing but find it hard to concentrate and stay awake. Better later in the day.

31/1 Work seams busy but the figures suggest it is more my fatigued perception than reality. GP suggests self referral for CBT and I agree,

1/2 Another struggle day at work. One finds it impossible to give a cheery answer when customers ask how one is.

2/2 Some better as I tackled the pointless tack of the NHS Information Governance assessment. A total waste of time devised by bums on seats who live in Whitehall not the real world.

3/2 Another tired day. I have given up on lunchtime walks.

4/2 Work a bit chaotic due to a visitor and all this IG rubbish to do.I have to persuade my staff that the pointless form filling must be done.

5/2 Surprised myself by taking my own weekend time to do this IG crap. There is the minimalist satisfacion of accomplishing something even though it is a pointless exercise.
6/2 Really bad Sunday falling asleep in sermon I wanted to hear. Katy angry that I am dopey when at home falling asleep when watching TV with her. But sleep is better than TV.

7/2 Down start as usual with some improvement as day goes on.

8/2 Hard start but improved as day went on and in the evening I told the pharmacist helpline I was some better.Usual down start and a miserable ride to work

9/2 Really very tired but my assistant insisted I walk out to the park lunchtime. But I really feel I do not have the energy for it.

10/2 Not so tired but lethargic and no walking.

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