Thursday, September 01, 2011

Observations in the first month of my diary of a eight month down 8 Nov to 9 Dec 2010

Now I am up I am prepared to write about down. When I am down all I want to do is sleep. So let me peruse my diary from November 2010 and see how after our return from a very wet north country holiday I slipped into the pit. I am doing this because no condition is permanent and this will be faced again though this time perhaps with a better drug to help. These observations are with the aid of my daily diary which I have kept on and off since 1968. The off bits coincide with past down times but now I am disciplined enough to do daily diary and devotions even when down.

8/11 Back to work. One staff short so first downer is increased work load.
9/11 Encouraged by an appreciative customer but not by sick staff as well as holidaying one.
11/11 A struggle to find any delight in my toil except to find one customer has been a Church Army worker.
14/11 Irritated by petty hygiene rules affecting church pot luck cooking.
15/11 One staff back, another now off so work still a struggle.
16/11 Work a battle with depression. I hate all these stupid records I am supposed to keep and do not. They are a waste of time.
18/11 I have to investigate how a locum failed to spot a doctor prescribing an overdose. This only came to light though a jobsworth sticking their snout in. No harm was done.
20-21/11 Weekend is no more a help than work. No longer want to rise early, only as late as possible.
22/11 Staff all present but one not fit so I still have extra to do.
23/11 Put myself back on citalopram 20mg as I had some left over from earlier in the year. Cheered by US visitors staying with us.
24/11 Work is a boring struggle.
25/11 Sick staff mean extra work which gets me down. This has been a bad time since the holiday.
26/11 One staff off again. I need more staff to do the work not fewer.
27/11 Once again weekend brings no relief from the depression.
28/11 Struggle to stay awake and attentive in church. I want the blessing but do not feel it.
29/11 Snoozing lunchtime and after dinner. No desire to exercise. In fact I fear that exercise would aggravate my weariness.
30/11 Not sleeping well at night probably because too much sleep in the day.
1/12 Short of staff again. Miserable and tired.
2/12 Half bottle of Glenfiditch from a customer did not really cheer me. Doing less on the net now. It has been observed that my frequency of blogging reflects my mood. The trend is downward.
3/12 Down. Struggle. no joy. Minimal activity so at home watch TV only.
4/12 Anxiety is now added to depression.Am I coping at work. I am not enjoying weekends as I find no fulfilling tasks.
5/12 Two good sermons did not lift me. Only felt better when I finished off the left over communion wine. Wine that gladdens the heart.However I learned a long time ago that troubles are not soluble in alcohol so am not in danger of going down the boozy route for relief.
6/12 Off work for cryotherapy on finger wart. Did not persevere with CPD study at home. I resent having to prove my fitness to work by having to make records of study. However I am anxious that I will have my study records examined and pronounced illegible and/ot inadequate.
7/12 England's continued Ashes success does not lift me out of my darkness.All is a dozy struggle. Nothing lifts.
8/12 Cold and miserable with Katy angry I cancelled housegroup as only three of us would be there.
9/12 "Battling depression all day and only doing tasks I have to do. I loathe this and cry out for it to be ended. The only pleasure is sleep.'

So this first month shows a downward slope aggravated by staff shortage and tiresome work. Anxiety starts too and being off work at the weekend brings no relief.

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