Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on
the edge of a large forest full of
endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for
cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred
to as "mother", although she didn't mean
to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if
a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
households, although she was sorry if this was the
impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit
and mineral water to her grandmother's

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to
carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate
mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to
oppress each other, since all womyn
were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's an oppressor, and should learn what
it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a
special rally for animal rights, and
besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed
that would help engender a feeling of

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
hence unable to independently further her
own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally
handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these
conditions were inferior to what some
people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she
set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this
was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a
patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as
an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were
in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red
Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless
society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the
woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to
examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her
what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but
she was confident in taking control of her
own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to
walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your
traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has
caused you to develop an alternative and yet
entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be
on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the
Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative
of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the
bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in
your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I
didn't give in to such societal pressures, my

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he
leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws
so wide that she could see her poor
Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You
must request my permission before
proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If
I let you help me now, I would be
expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to
poor self esteem and lower achievement
scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This
is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper,
and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he
sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I thought I
was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've
been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her
picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such
a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.


"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his
firm, well padded back, gave a little belch,
and said "Do you have any Maalox?"


Ann Flowers said...

First time commenter here. Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog.

Graham Weeks said...

Thank you. Posts have been sparse of late due to four months of depression but I hope to reume normal service now I am on holiday for two weeks.

Graham Weeks said...

You are a UK florist?

DFH said...

Did they get it from you or vice versa?

Fairy Tale

Graham Weeks said...

N American friend sent it to me but I should thank you in seems as you have it first.