Humour - christiansquoting.org.uk

668: The Neighbour of the Beast

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.

Q: Where does virgin wool come from? A: Ugly sheep.

Sign over a Polish urinal reads "Please don't eat the big white mints"

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

A well balanced Aussie is one with a chip on both shoulders.

The difference between an Aussie wedding and a Aussie funeral is one less drunk.

The dyslexic agnostic with insomnia laid awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven... Blessed are the meek... Blessed are they that mourn... Blessed are the merciful... Blessed are they that thirst for justice when persecuted... Blessed are you when you suffer...
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.
Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And James said, "Is this examinable?"
And Phillip said, "Is there an answer guide in the library?"
And Bartholomew said, "What came after poor?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this!"
And Mark said, "Don't take the overhead off yet."
And Matthew went to the bathroom.
One of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and enquired of Jesus, "Where are your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain?"
And Jesus wept
There are two rules for success in life.
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

It's like an Alcatraz around my neck Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

They had to evacuate our library. Someone found dynamite in the dictionary.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer.

There are things so serious that you can only joke about them.

Swami Johnnieshere's Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment
1. Be a Fundamentalist -- ensure that the Fun always comes before the Mental. Realise that life is a situation comedy that
will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in the material world is to get more
material from that track. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, which will ensure regularity.
2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for entering, so you are already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That's where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to
me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.
4. Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop. No matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course
God loves you...
5. It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition called "truth decay". Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when you're tempted to practice 'tantrum
yoga', remember what we teach in the Swami's Absurdiveness Training Class: DON'T GET EVEN, GET ODD.
6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no mad at me. That way there'll surely be nominees on the planet. Peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a
little peace there. Pretty soon all the peaches will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.
7.I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes my advice is
simple: When you find a fault don't dwell on it.
8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world and we'll never have to change it again.
9. If you're looking for the key to the Universe I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: There is no
key to the Universe. The good news: It was never locked.
10. Finally, everything I've told you is 'channelled'. That way, if you don't like it it's not my fault. But remember:
Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through channels.

Free Nelson Mandela......... with every packet of corn flakes Graffito

Flies spread disease . Keep yours zipped.

There is more to eating grapefruit than meets the eye.

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will find humour in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
Between two hunks of bread.

Mary had a little bear
To which she was so kind
And everywhere that Mary went
You saw her bear behind.

Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day,
The doctor gave her castor oil
To pass the time away.

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow.
She took it to an abattoir
The rest I'm sure you know........

I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one.

Due to budget constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off, effective immediately.
Graffiti seen in San Francisco, circa 1995

Isme is the name of Isaiah's horse. Every time Isaiah arrived anywhere, the first thing he would say is "Woa Isme!"

If your nose runs and your feet smell, then you're built upside down.

Q: How do you let air into a Russian Orthodox church?
A: You click on an icon, and a window opens.

My grandmother was a medium. At least that's what it said on her knickers.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit. Aristotle

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. -Fred Allen E. B. White (1899-1985) In "1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said," ed. Robert Byrne, 1988.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.- Francis Bacon, 1561 - 1626

I'll tell you what Fowler's trouble is. It is making jokes. It is falling foul of the global conspiracy of the humourless. Jokes humanise, jokes civilise, jokes deflect wrath. Jokes give perspective, insight, clarity. Jokes give complexity. Jokes add life-giving layers of possibility. Jokes do not compromise the seriousness: jokes add to a serious intention and make deeper the meaning. Ask Shakespeare if you don't believe me, or Donne, or Joyce.
But so much of daily life is organised by the conspiracies of the jokeless: the dehumanisers, those who dread perspective, balance, thought. Lord deliver us from the humourless - I fear Fowler has fallen into their clutches. Moral: don't make jokes. Ever. The humourless always win.
Simon Barnes, The Times, April 7 1999 - (written after Fowler landed in hot water for sniffing the touchline as if it was a line of coke)

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road. Henry Ward Beecher

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people. Robert Benchley

Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour, the writing is on the wall.- Alan Bennett

It's like deja vu all over again. Yogi Berra

No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded. --Yogi Berra

Please help me; I am suffering from attention deficit dis....John Callahan

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? - George Carlin

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarean Section. George Carlin

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there. George Carlin

Why do they bother saying 'Raw sewage'? Do some people cook that stuff?-George Carlin

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?-George Carlin

In Los Angeles there's a hotline for people in denial. So far no one has called. George Carlin

But there, everything has its drawbacks, as the man said when his mother-in-law died, and they came down upon him for the funeral expenses. - Jerome K. Jerome (1859 &endash; 1927)

For health and the constant enjoyment of life, give me a keen and ever-present sense of humour; it is the next best thing to an abiding faith in providence. George B. Cheever

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? Dick Clark

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.--George Eliot [Marian Evans Cross] (1819-1880)_Daniel Deronda_ [1876], Book 2, Chapter 15

Humor is also a way of saying something serious. T. S. Eliot

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done. Dwight David Eisenhower

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons.
W. C. Fields (1880-1946) "W. C. Fields, Rowdy King of Comedy," by Robert L. Taylor.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with. -- W C Fields

Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law."
W.C: Fields "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.-- W. C. Fields

Bloodnok: "So you two want to join the Bombay Irish do you?"
"Aye aye Jock Mon!"
"Aye aye Buddy"
"Well, it's a tough life I tell you. Do you know what it's like to be in the thick of a bloody battle with bullets flying?"
"No!"
"Pity. I was hoping you'd tell me what it was like. You see I'm writing a book entitled Bloodnok VC. However, let us take
the Regimental Oath. Open your wallet and say after me, "Help yourself""
(Together) "Help yourself!"
"Thanks. Do you swear to be brave soldiers?"
"Yes"
"Never turn your back on the enemy?"
"Never!"
"Always speak well of a lady?"
"Always!"
"And respect the chastity of a woman?"
"Yes!"
"Have we got nothing in common?"
Regimental Oath The Goon Show

Does `Magna Carta' mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?--- Tony Hancock

Dulce est desipere in loco. (It's sweet to be silly when the time's right.) --Horace

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an Atheist?
Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
Stan Kelly-Bootle

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. --Grenville Kleiser

You grow up the day you have the first real laugh -- at yourself. Letitia Landon (1802-1838)

Unknown to most historians, William Tell had an older and much less fortunate son, Warren.-- Larson, The Far Side

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.--Jay Leno

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. G. C. Lichtenberg

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. - Julius "Groucho" Marx (1890 &endash; 1977)

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard Spike Milligan

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. ~ Spike Milligan

Apparently Apollo 11 was sent as an attempt to make contact with Aliens on the moon. The correct greeting for these Aliens, apparently, was the word 'Gnorts'. As NASA were worried that the first man on the moon would forget this crucial greeting, they gave him a code name, so he would not forget it. They called him Neil Armstrong, which when spelled backwards reads... Nick Milton

Good taste and humour are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore. Malcolm Muggeridge

If your nose runs and your feet smell, then you're built upside down. Alfred E. Neuman

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said 'Stop! don't do it!' 'Why shouldn't I?' he said. I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well... are you religious or atheist?' He said, 'Religious.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?' He said, 'Christian.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?' He said, 'Protestant.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?' He said, 'Baptist!' I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?' He said, 'Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!' I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off. - Emo Philips My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker. - Emo Philips

A couple of aspirates.- F. E. Smith's, prescription for J. H. Thomas, complaining of 'an 'ell of an 'eadache.'.

Do not assume that because I am frivolous I am shallow; I don't assume that because you are grave you are profound. Sydney Smith 1771-1845

Pig-Pen', have you ever heard that old saying?
What old saying?
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Oh, yes ... many times.
Then why don't you follow it?
Because with me, Charlie Brown, cleanliness is next to impossible!
Good Ol' Charlie Brown_ (N.Y., Rinehart, 1957).

Do you know why Catholics make the best drummers? It's their natural sense of rhythm. Kim Tame

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Nature has made us frivolous to console us for our miseries.--Voltaire, 1764

A sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the unbearable. -Moshe Waldoks

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.- E. B. White

I have always noticed that deeply and truly religious persons are fond of a joke, and I am suspicious of those who aren't.- Alfred North Whitehead, (1861-1947).

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. ~ Stephen Wright