Thursday, March 09, 2017

My alternative facts about how Trump could make Britain great made up by me. Richard Russell

The remarkable narrative of the fall of President Trump and the rebirth of the British Empire, facilitated by some small Welsh dogs.

Surrounded by massive security President Donald J Trump arrives at Buckingham Palace at the beginning of his state visit to Britain. Huge crowds are present outside Buckingham Palace - the main group appearing to suggest that Mr. Trump be repatriated to his homeland with all possible haste.There is a forest of varied  banners and placards. “No more of your golf-courses!”,”No deals with you - we’ve read your book!”, “Overpaid, over sexed and over here…go home yank!”, “Hands off our Queen!” and more.There is also  a tiny dispirited group of Republicans Abroad and Ukippers welcoming Trump.
Inside the Palace the royal corgis - being intelligent creatures -  take an instant dislike to Trump for his failure  to bow low enough to Her Majesty and for being far too familiar.They are well trained  so  make a co-ordinated attack having originally been bred to herd cattle in Pembrokeshire. Trump flees from room to room  of the Palace hounded by corgis.(The  press corps cameras get much thrilling footage of the fleeing  most powerful man on earth pursued  by small yapping canines, later dubbed  to the sound track of “Who let the dogs out?”). During the pursuit Trump yells out angry threats to nuke London….and a bit later yells forget it - that was fake news fabricated by the liberal media. Finally cornered ,Trump  turns pulls out his  .44 magnum revolver - his constitutional right to bear arms for just such an eventuality - and blazes away all six bullets causing massive collateral damage to priceless furniture and artworks.  Nifty corgis dodged the bullets. They have had much practice of dodging gunshot at royal shooting parties at Sandringham and Balmoral since they were puppies.

The responses of the British and American publics reflected their love of dogs (and underdogs) and their love of guns respectively. The British  were delighted to know that the corgis were shortly after awarded the PDSA Dickin Medal, instituted in 1943, for conspicuous bravery in the face of enemy action.They were added to the roll of honour of 32 pigeons, 31 dogs, 4 horses and 1 cat. The Americans  were shocked and appalled that their Commander in Chief of the Armed Services and a member of the National Rifle Association simply couldn't shoot ….every red-blooded American superhero alpha-male could shoot! This event unmasked Trump as a  phoney ,as a sad loser. This event served to break the morale of the American people …in the person of the President they were already a defeated nation….

Back to the narrative….

Queen Elizabeth ll collapses muttering  “We resign. King Charles lll, for heavens sake, do something impressively regal!”

So Charles lll regally orders the Beefeaters to arrest Trump forthwith. ( Explosive fanfare of trumpets!). Accompanied by the Household Cavalry and the Scots Guard Band playing very loud patriotic music, they march Trump in chains (and tattered trousers) to the Tower of London, watched by the amazed crowd. Soon chanting erupts in the crowd “Lock him up! Lock him up!”.  Amongst the crowd there are some with traditional patriotic law-and-order values who feel that mere incarceration is a too much of a weak bleeding-heart-liberal response to  the Act of Terrorism  committed by Trump at the Palace.They  are mindful of the medieval statutes - never revoked - that makes the unsheaving of a sword in the Royal Presence  an act of High Treason and therefore a Capital Offence. By analogy clearly the loosing off of a  .44 magnum  fell within this statute, in their opinion. So they started a  new chant “Off with his head! Off with his head!”. Trump enters the Tower  by the Traitors Gate. ThereTrump is shown the traditional equipment proven to be far more effective and persuasive than mere water boarding - the thumbscrew, rack and wheel. All somewhat rusty and dusty but still probably functional….and persuasive.

 The price of release is :
1) for Trump to abrogate the Declaration of Independence 1776 by executive presidential order and to return the rebellious colonies to their rightful liege lord,namely King Charles lll. Trump’s billions of dollars are to be confiscated and donated to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and Battersea Dogs Home. Trump is appointed Groom of the Stool to the royal corgis, who remarkably, like him, never forget a grievance. His legendary negotiating skills are liable to be taxed to the uttermost in making a deal with the dogs who have engaged a teams of eminent QCs. Furthermore everything formerly branded “Trump” ( Towers,etc) is to be henceforth rebranded “Windsor”. 

2) The rebellious American  colonies are to pay punitive damages - at compound interest - for criminal tax evasion since1776. Some experts estimate this will exceed $1000 trillion going up by some billions every day. Treasury officials are panicking about where they are supposed to keep all this money which has already started to arrive in a flotilla of huge container ships. All self-storage facilities near the container ports are already full to capacity. Labour MPs argue that this new economic crisis can only be cured by their “American tax and spend big time” policies. Economic commentator Robert Peston maintained that the unrestricted arrival of dollars in Britain could lead to  the much feared classical  Midas Armageddon; we would literally drown in money. The only way to avert this, he said, was to police our borders, close our ports and divert these American ships to various places round the globe  - and dump our new problem of excess dollars on third world countries ,as we have with toxic waste in the past.

3) As an act of repentance from henceforth all Americans are to give up coffee and Coke, and drink only English Breakfast Tea with Duchy Original Biscuits - both of which will be heavily taxed.The money raised will be used to build a massive gold plated statue of George lll to replace the Statue of Liberty. It will be a veritable eighth wonder of the world.

4)  All American are to fast and walk barefoot on the 4th July - formerly so called Independence Day which will be renamed Stupid Rebellion Day. Effigies of George Washington are to be burnt on bonfires in major cities.

5) Leading American critics of former president Trump are to be awarded OBEs, knighthoods and seats in the House of Lords….and anything else they fancy.

6) The White House will become the official residence of the Governor General (or Viceroy) of the British North American Colony. Prince William is appointed Viceroy. This regained colony will truly be the jewel in the crown of the newly revived British Empire. “Washington" shall revert to its wonderful original name which was “Georgetown”.

7) All “American Dictionaries”to be burnt as they are full of corruptions of the King’s English and many unauthorised barbaric innovations since 1776. The Oxford English Dictionary will be the new standard.

8) All Brexit discussions have ceased. The European Union has rapidly dissolved itself and its members are clamouring to gain a new status as British Colonies. Former countries of the empire are also re-applying for colonial status, full of apologies for having impolitely demanded independence. Former colonies of the Spanish,Portuguese,Belgian and other empires are queuing up to become British  colonies.  Boris Johnson complained that the Foreign Office photocopier had burnt out because so many application forms have been needed. The Scottish Nationalist Party are in emergency session wondering if the Act of Union was not, on balance, maybe a good thing after all. Irish, Cornish and Welsh nationalists are beginning to think in the same direction.The prospect of a benign one-world-government beckons aka the British Empire completed.

9) Royal historians are considering whether Charles  lll has a legitimate claim to be the Czar of Russia and ruler of many other parts of the world.Indeed all parts of the world.
10) Relations with China have greatly improved due to massive orders for Union Jack flags, bunting, commemorative coronation mugs and plates, giant terracotta corgis  and much else  coming from London.This has already doubled the growth rate of the Chinese economy.

11) New Mexico and Texas- with all those oil wells - are to be returned to Mexico from whom they  had been it had been illegally  taken by the USA in a greedy and nasty way. And as compensation for negative comments made by Trump about Mexicans.
12) Alaska is to be given to Canada as a reward for their loyalty to the crown and to make the world map a bit tidier.

 Any infractions will result in the offender being dispatched to Guantanomo Bay for corrective treatment. Hard cases will by “extraordinary rendition” find themselves in the Tower of London.

At last the "special relationship”between Great Britain and America  has been properly restored, in a most agreeable manner.

 We all stand and sing “Rule Britannia “ and “God save the King”.

(written by Richard… a fit of imagination…..)

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