Saturday, March 15, 2008


Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

A marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage requires a person to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring

Marriages may be made in heaven, but man is responsible for the maintenance work.

Rich is not how much you have or where you are going or even what you are - rich is who you have beside you.

A man may be a fool and not know it -- but not if he is married.

All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least, I think that's what she said.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Success in marriage is more than finding the right person. It's becoming the right person

My wife and I were wonderfully happy for 23 years . . . and then we met.

Someone once said that "Marriages are made in heaven"... So is thunder and lightning.

One good turn gets most of the blanket.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

When I was young, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman.
Well, I found her-but, alas, she was waiting for the ideal man

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.

Marriage is for life; it just seems longer!

Before marriage a woman is pensive, after marriage, expensive.

Behind every successful man there is a proud wife and surprized mother-in-law.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

the second secret of a good marriage is saying what's on your mind
the first secret is not saying what's on your mind

This is my rule of married life: it's better to be happy than to be right.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If a man is alone in the forest and speaks...and no woman is around to hear him... Is the man still wrong?

After many years of marriage, my wife and I have achieved total sexual compatibility. We both have headaches at night.

I once didn't speak to my wife for a week ... I didn't want to interrupt her!

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

I'm the man of the house. I always have the final word... "Yes, Dear."

Namiji barkono ne. sai a tauna shi a san yajinsa. A husband is like a pepper. not until you chew do you know how hot it is.
Hausa proverb, Nigeria.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -- Scottish Proverb

Marriage is a covered dish. -- Swiss Proverb

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

Marriage enlarges the scene of our happiness and of our miseries. A marriage of love is pleasant, of interest, easy, and where both meet, happy. A happy marriage has in it all the pleasures of friendship, all the enjoyments of sense and reason, and, indeed, all the sweets of life.--Joseph Addison

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

In his _Utopia_ his lawe is that the young people are to see each other stark-naked before marriage. Sir William Roper, of Eltham, in Kent, came one morning, pretty early, to my Lord, with a proposall to marry one of his daughters. My Lord's daughters were then both together abed in a truckle- bed in their father's chamber asleep. He carries Sir William into the chamber and takes the Sheete by the corner & suddenly whippes it off. They lay on their Backs, & their smocks up as high as their arme-pitts. This awakened them, & immediately they turned on their bellies. Quoth Roper, I have seen both sides, & so gave a patt on the buttock, he made choice of, sayeing, Thou are mine. Here was all the trouble of the wooeing.--John Aubrey, _Brief Lives_, Sir Thomas More

He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to fortune; for they are impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief.
Francis Bacon. 1561-1626. Of Marriage and Single Life.

Wives are young men's mistresses, companions for middle age, and old men's nurses.
Francis Bacon. 1561-1626. Of Marriage and Single Life.

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. Joseph Barth

Keep up you conjugal love in constant heat and vigour. Richard Baxter, A Christian Directory 2.43

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. - Prov. 31:10

It is not love that will keep your marriage alive. It is commitment to relationship that will keep your love alive. Ian Bilby

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Victor Borge

He is very fond of me - almost too fond. I could do with less caressing and more rationality. I should like to be less of a pet and more of a friend if I might choose, but i won't complain of that! I am only afraid his affection loses in depth where it gains in ardour. - - Anne Bronte ,The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, p164

Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day, sharing the workload and remembering to carry out the trash - Joyce Brothers

Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.-- Mary Buckley

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to step back and see where the wife is wrong. Archie Bunker

I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four.- Samuel Butler

'You are old,' said the youth, 'and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -
Pray, how did you manage to do it?'

'In my youth,' said his father, 'I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength that it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life.' - Carroll, Father William

Madam, we took you in order to have children, not to get advice. ~ Charles XI, King of Sweden 1660-1697 - to his wife

The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. Coleridge

In the sex-war thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male,vindictiveness of the female. --Cyril Connolly, _The Unquiet Grave_, 1944

Don't go to bed mad...stay up and fight!-- Phyllis Diller

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without. -- James C. Dobson

The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together. -Robert C. Dodds

What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life--to strengthen each other in all labor,to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent, unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting. --George Eliot

Man's best possession is a sympathetic wife. Euripides. 484-406 B. C. Antigone. Frag 164.

The wife should yield in all things to her lord~ Euripedes 484 BC-406 BC, Electra (415 BC)

All things come to him who mates. F. Scott Fitzgerald

Intelligent women always marry fools ~Anatole France

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife? Franklin, Benjamin

Don't you know, that all wives are in the right? It may be you don't, for you are yet a young husband. Benjamin Franklin

I know not which lives more unnatural lives,
Obeying husbands, or commanding wives.
Franklin (1706-1790).

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin Poor Richard's Almanack 1738.

For a wife take the daughter of a good mother. --Thomas Fuller

The debate over same-sex marriage, then, is not some sideline discussion. It _is_ the marriage debate. Either we win--or we lose the central meaning of marriage. The great threat unisex marriage poses to marriage as a socialinstitution is not some distant or nearby slippery slope, it is an abyss at our feet. If we cannot explain why unisex marriage is, in itself, a disaster, we have already lost the marriage ideal. Same-sex marriage would enshrine in law a public judgment that the desire of adults for families of choice outweighs the need of children for mothers and fathers. It would give sanction and approval to the creation of a motherless or fatherless family as a deliberately chosen "good." It would mean the law was neutral as to whether children had mothers and fathers. Motherless and fatherless families would be deemed just fine.
[...]Meanwhile, _cui bono_? To meet the desires of whom would we put our most basic social institution at risk? No good research on the marriage intentions of homosexual people exists. For what it's worth, the Census Bureau reports that 0.5 percent of households now consist of same-sex partners. To get a proxy for how many gay couples would avail themselves of the health insurance benefits marriage can provide, I asked the top 10 companies listed on the Human Rights Campaign's website as providing same-sex insurance benefits how many of their employees use this option. Only one company, General Motors, released its data. Out of 1.3 million employees, 166 claimed benefits for a same-sex partner, _one one-hundredth of one percent_. -- Maggie Gallagher, "What Marriage Is For", _The Weekly Standard_, August 4 / August 11, 2003

A wife is a gift bestowed upon man to reconcile him to the loss of paradise. Johann Goethe

I chose my wife, as she did her wedding gown, for qualities that would wear well. --Oliver Goldsmith

Matrimony - the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented. Heine (1797-1856)

I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death.- Heinrich Heine

I came, I saw, SHE conquered. (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.) -- Lazarus Long (Robert Heinlein)

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. Katherine Hepburn

He loves his bonds who, when the first are broke,
Submits his neck into a second yoke.
--Robert Herrick (1591-1674) _Hesperides_ [1648]

Courtship brings out the best. Marriage brings out the rest. - Cullen Hightower

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is the best. -Kin Hubbard

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. And second, let her have it.
Lyndon Johnson

Domestic discord is not inevitably and fatally necessary; but yet it is not easy to avoid. - Samuel Johnson, Rasselas [the princess Nekayah]

To live without feeling or exciting sympathy, to be fortunate without adding to the felicity of others, or afflicted without tasting the balm of pity, is a state more gloomy than solitude; it is not retreat, but exclusion from mankind. Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
Samuel Johnson: Rasselas [from the character Princess Nekayah]

I am not so much inclined to wonder that marriage is sometimes unhappy, as that it appears so little loaded with calamity; and cannot but conclude that society has something in itself eminently agreeable to human nature, when I find its pleasures so great that even the ill choice of a companion can hardly overbalance them. Samuel Johnson (given to a fictional correspondent) in Rambler #45 (August 21, 1750)

I believe marriages would in general be as happy, and often more so, if they were all made by the Lord Chancellor, upon a due consideration of characters and circumstances, without the parties having any choice in the matter. Boswell: Life of Johnson

He talked of the heinousness of the crime of adultery, by which thepeace of families was destroyed. He said, "Confusion of progeny constitutes the essence of the crime; and therefore a woman who breaks her marriage vows is much more criminal than a man who does it. A man, to be sure, is criminal in the sight of God; but he does not do his wife a very material injury, if he does not insult her; if for instance, from mere wantonness of appetite, he steals privately to her chambermaid. Sir, a wife ought not to greatly resent this. I would not receive home a daughter who had run away from her husband on that account. A wife should study to reclaim her husband by more attention to please him. Sir, a man will not, once in a hundred instances, leave his wife and go to a harlot, if his wife has not been negligent of pleasing.-James Boswell: Life of Johnson

Boswell: "Pray, Sir, do you not suppose that there are fifty women in the world, with any one of whom a man may be as happy, as with any one woman in particular?" Johnson: "Ay, Sir, fifty thousand." -- James Boswell: Life of Johnson

Boswell: "Pray, Sir, do you not suppose that there are fifty women in the world, with any one of whom a man may be as happy, as with any one woman in particular?" Johnson: "Ay, Sir, fifty thousand." -- James Boswell: Life of Johnson

Whoever thinks marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't know the half of it. Franklin P. Jones

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi

Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man.- Joubert

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.-C. G. Jung, (Modern Man in Search of a Soul, 1933)

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. Alan King

A successful marriage is not a gift; it is an achievement. - Ann Landers, 1918 - 2002

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancée

Heard an interview with Rev. Robinson this afternoon, and he used a phrase that set my teeth on edge: he referred to partnerships as "life-intentioned." A wonderful weasel word, that: intention. The escape hatch is built right in. It's as if the intention to stay together is equal to the expressed promise to stay together. But it's not. Everyone had a faithless lover who did you wrong, and usually blamed everything but free will. It just happened, you know. Wasn't intending to cheat, but . . . it just happened, okay? Tonight I told my wife that I now regarded our marriage vows not as a solemn promise, but an expression of my intentions. Ever seen those "Bringing Up Father" cartoons where Jiggs flees the house, trailed by a fusillade of rolling pins and frying pans? -- James Lileks,

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. -- Martin Luther

The state of matrimony is the chief in the world after religion; but people shun it because of its inconveniences, like one who, running out of the rain, falls into the river. Martin Luther, Table Talk

A marriage without children is the world without the sun. Augustine quoted in Martin Luther, Table Talk

It seems to me that the most delightful walk of life is to be found in a household of moderate means, to live there with an obliging spouse and to be satisfied with little. - Martin Luther DECEMBER 16, 1536, "Table Talk"

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. -- Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho Marx

I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it. - Walter Matthau (1920 &endash; 2000)

Married happiness is like a tree; it has to grow before you can enjoy its shade. And it doesn't grow if you don't take care of it but run around admiring other plants. It takes many years. If you concentrate your love on a single tree and wait, you can see it grow, and there comes a day when you can lean against it and find coolness in its shade.-Gunnar Mattsson in "The Princess."

My parents died when I was so young, my mother when I was eight, my father when I was ten, that I know little of them but from hearsay. . . He was forty when he married my mother, who was more than twenty years younger. She was a very beautiful woman and he was a very ugly man. . . One of her great friends was Lady Anglesey, an American woman who died at an advanced age not very long ago, and she told me that she had once said to my mother; "You're so beautiful and there are so many people in love with you, why are you faithful to that ugly little man you've married?" And my mother answered: "He never hurts my feelings. --William Somerset Maugham (1874-1965) _The Summing Up_ [1938], Chapter VII

There is a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

What men, in their egoism, constantly mistake for a deficiency of intelligence in woman is merely an incapacity for mastering that mass of small intellectual tricks...which constitutes the chief mental equipment of the average male. A man thinks that he is more intelligent than his wife because he can add up a column of figures more accurately, and because he understands the imbecile jargon of the stock market, and because he is able to distinguish between the ideas of rival politicians, and because he is privy to the minutiae of some sordid and degrading business or profession, say soap-selling or the law.-- H. L. Mencken

No matter how happily a woman is married, she always hopes that her daughter will grab a better one. H. L. Mencken, _My Life as Author and Editor_, ed. Jonathan Yardley, 1993

Hail wedded love, mysterious law, true source
Of human offspring. John Milton Paradise Lost Line 750

Sleep on,
Blest pair; and O yet happiest if ye seek
No happier state, and know to know no more.
John Milton, Paradise Lost Book IV, 773 - 75

If the marriage relationship reflects/is a symbol for the relationship between Christ and the church (i.e. individuals) then there are a lot of "wives" out there who are saying... "I'm not really in the mood - I have a headache - Do you really have to do that? - Please don't touch me there - Sure, I love you... do you really want me say it every time? - What again tonight?"
Melody Monte

It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Altar. Hymn.
Frank Muir, Upon My Word!

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
Ogden Nash

So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat over everything debatable and combatable, Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. --Ogden Nash

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. Howard Nemerov (1920 &endash; 1991)

When entering into a marriage one ought to ask oneself: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman up into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory, but most of the time you are together will be devoted to conversation. Friedrich Nietzsche

The difficulties arise when we ask how much this polar complementarity [of the sexes] should be reflected in the structure of social life, both domestic and public. The New Testament (again, and notoriously, in the person of St Paul) assumes that there will be places other than the bedroom in which men and women assume consciously differentiated roles. They will do so in the affairs of the home, in which the wife is to "submit" to her husband (Eph. 5:22ff) as head. They will do so even outside the context of family life, since man is "head" of woman in some sense; in quite another context, when the Church is at worship (I Cor. 11:2ff). In order that St Paul should not be misjudged, we must note--(a) that this relational ordering of male and female presupposes a fundamental generic equality (I Cor. 11:1 ff); and (b) that the "submission" of the wife is a special case of a "submission" of all Christians to one another, and complements a husband's love that is to be expressed in self-sacrifice (Eph. 5:2lff, 25ff). The apostle is not an apologist for male tyranny. ... Oliver O'Donovan (1945- ), "Marriage and the Family," in The Changing World

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, wealthy, and stupid.- Dorothy Parker

In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind before the body; then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self. William Penn

Men are teflon. Women are velcro.-Mike Peters, Mother Goose & Grimm (6/24/01)

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman. -Bob Phillips

Sola scriptura, sola fide, solum Christus, and you betcha sola my wife! -- JR

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. Helen Rowland

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. - Helen Rowland, 1876 - 1950

Such duty as the subject owes the prince,
Even such a woman oweth to her husband.
William Shakespeare. The Taming of the Shrew. Act iv. Sc. 2.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw

A person's character is but half formed till after wedlock. --Charles Simmons

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. -Red Skelton

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

I would say that the surest measure of a man's or a woman's maturity is the harmony, style, joy, and dignity he creates in his marriage, and the pleasure and inspiration he provides for his spouse. - Benjamin McLane Spock, 1903 - 1998

A great proportion of the wretchedness which has embittered married life, has originated in a negligence of trifles. Connubial happiness is a thing of too fine a texture to be handled roughly. It is a sensitive plant, which will not bear even the touch of unkindness; a delicate flower, which indifference will chill and suspicion blast. It must be watered by showers of tender affections, expanded by the cheering glow of kindness, and guarded by the impregnable barrier of unshaken confidence. Thus matured, it will bloom with fragrance in every season of life, and sweeten even the loneliness of declining years.
Thomas Sprat (1636-1713)

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. Herbert Spencer

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -- Gloria Steinhem

Some pray to marry the man they love,
My prayer will somewhat vary;
I humbly pray to Heaven above,
That I love the man I marry.-
Rose Pastor Stokes (1879-1933), _My Prayer_

He who is without a wife dwells without blessing, life, joy, help, good, & peace. The Talmud, as quoted by Leo Rosten

Marriage has in it less of beauty, but more of safety, than the single life; it hath not more ease, but less danger; it is more merry and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but is supported by all the strengths of love and charity; and those burdens are delightful. Marriage is the mother of the world, and preserves kingdoms, and fills cities and churches, and heaven itself. --Jeremy Taylor

Celibacy, like the fly in the heart of an apple, dwells in perpetual sweetness, but sits alone, and is confined and dies insingularity; but marriage, like the useful bee, builds a house, and gathers sweetness from every flower, and labors and unites into societies and republics, and sends out colonies, and feeds the world with delicacies, and keeps order, and exercises many virtues, and promotes the interest of mankind, and is that state of good to whiGod hath designed the present constitution of the world.--Jeremy Taylor

'Tis strange what a man may do, and a woman yet think him an angel. --William Makepeace Thackeray (1811-1863) _Henry Esmond_ [1852], Book I, Chapter 7

Never criticize your spouse's faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.--Jay Trachman, _One to One_

This is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible beings who do not run away from life. -- Paul Tournier

After my marriage she edited everything I wrote. And what is more, she not only edited my works, she edited me. ~Mark Twain

Marriage is like a three-speed gearbox: affection, friendship, love. It is not advisable to crash your gears and go right through to love straightaway. You need to ease your way through. The basis of love is respect, and that needs to be learned from affection and friendship. Peter Ustinov

At the end of a happy marriage to Sidney Hook, Beatrice Webb was asked, "Why was your marriage so happy?" She said, "Sidney takes all the long-term decisions, I take all the unimportant decisions, and I determine which are the long-term decisions." - Beatrice Webb

Ever a various, changeful thing is woman. Vergil

Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.--Oscar Wilde

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying. Henny (Henry) Youngman

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't report it. The thief spends less than my wife.- Henty Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.- Henty Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -Henny Youngman

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.- Henty Youngman

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