Thursday, March 05, 2009

“Home Educators Eat Babies” Says Worried NSPEC

NewsBiscuit reports,'A recent press release from the NSPEC (National Society for the Prevention of Eating Children) warns that home educators are eating babies. DJ Petal, spokesperson from the NSPEC, states that it has come to their attention via well appointed rumour and official gossip mongering rolled out from London that home educators have been eating babies.

Well known home education action group AHEm..well just a darn minute! were quick to challenge this and stated that there was no evidence that home educators were eating babies, but rather there was a strong indication that they were in fact less susceptible to baby eating than the general public. In response the NSPEC replied that as they could not actually see for themselves that home educators were not eating babies then they really must be baby eaters and submit to routine testing for infant ingestion. Further the NSPEC insisted CCTV be installed in every home just in case someone happened to feel peckish.


State School Teachers undernourished
A whistleblower has revealed that the fuss over Home Educators eating babies has been generated by dissatisfied teachers. The whistleblower (who is a games teacher at a primary school) says that teachers are worried that the best children are being kept for home consumption. "We only seem to get the scrawny ones these days" she said. Further inverstigation revealed that in fact the few well fed children who come into the state school system are systematically undernourished by the authorities to bring them down to the level of the other pupils. Teachers in state schools routinely suffer from starvation and ricketts due to a lack of vitamins in their pupils.

beruse :: Wed 4 Mar 8:14 ::

Representative of the Local mastication Authority (LA), Tony Baloney, sulked: "Home educated children are at risk of being nibbled but I have no automatic access to their homes and no official training to recognise a nibbled child when I see one."

Mr Baloney says he has many, many children living in various council houses around the county. Perhaps this is qualification enough to recognise a parent drooling over a simmering baby?

Baloney moaned on: "Home educating parents send me photographs of whole children and letters from their doctor saying the child is indeed whole, but unless I can look at the child myself how do I know this isn't a CookshopPro job or someone else's baby? Let me look at the children, I want to look at the children, why shouldn’t I look at the children? It’s not fair, so there!

help i'm sinking :: Mon 2 Mar 19:39 ::

Letter from Delish Munchin
Delish Munchin, Baroness Droolin, has responded as follows to home educators' concerns about being suspected of forcing their children into marzipan and domestic celery:

"We are aware that there are concerns but we want to establish what evidence isn't available. This is not just about that wot whether home education is being used as a cover for the evil and depraved appetites of its perpetrators now really, but also because maybe possibly sometime in the future home educators will definitely start eating children and use home educating as a cover for pretend eggnog, forced rhubarb or other forms of chilled aperitif.

The Government's priority is to sautee all children."

tinpanali :: Mon 2 Mar 22:15 ::
Comment / reply
Rate this:Response from KFCC (Kent Fried Children Chapter)
Lazy Authoritarians (LAs) do not currently have adequate powers to ensure parents eating their children co-operate with LA attempts to monitor the adequacy of the dining arrangements that these children are experiencing. The DCSF (Dining on Children in Schools & Families) guidance "Working Together to Safely Eat Children: a guide to inter-agency recipe development to safeguard and promote the eating of children" states that the welfare of all children eaten at home is the responsibility of all agencies. LAs cannot adequately fulfil this key responsibility when home-educating parents are not required to fully ensure their children are cooked properly and can refuse us access to tasting children or viewing their wok.

We recognise that it is the LAs responsibility to carry out baby eating. Parents are usually unable to supply the necessary resources, such as herbs, spices and socialisation required to fulfil a correct baby recipe and therefore are unable to deliver an adequate dining experience.

We are futher disturbed by parents' lack of co-operation and determination to resist the LAs attempts to intervene in the matter of baby consumption and we are hoping that the new DSCF (Dining Safely on Children Feedback) guidelines will clarify the issues.

Our intention is to issue SAOs (Special Additive Order) to all home-educating parents to ensure their baby is closely monitored and properly stuffed.

Duckintherain :: Tue 3 Mar 12:25 :: '

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Haha. Brilliant! Personally, I prefer fondued children. Cheesy or chocolatey, I don't mind.